I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
my favorite genre of twitter
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
My plans: 2020:
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents