Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Bit chilly again tonight.

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

I found your tweet-up…

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car