Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.