Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

My boss called in sick of me

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.