I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.