Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?