Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst