Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?