I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
you have three unread messages
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.