I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.