I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

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[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend


When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.


People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”


My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.


I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding


The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”


This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.


I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”


And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.