@Darlainky

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

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@Shock_Monster

Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@Roweboat13G

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

@SketchesbyBoze

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

@_ElizabethMay

*peels sticker off webcam*
Me: i know my searches seem suspicious, but they’re not.
FBI agent in the webcam: you’re looking up the best way to dismember and dispose of a body.
Me: I’m a writer.
FBI agent: *quiet for several minutes* The answer is pigs.
Me: *replaces sticker*

@4SLars

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.