[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding
A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.