Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

I falcon love using swear birds

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?