“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I feel seen
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
guys I’m going home
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
