“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?