“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Uh oh…
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Education is vital
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!