Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron