Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking