I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.