I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk