Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Them: You shouldn’t hang around the wrong people..
Me: First of all I am the bad influence

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.