Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

opening twitter today

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]