Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Holy moly

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

The prophecy is fulfilled

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*