Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere