I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?