I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You Might Also Like
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
This is my pinned tweet
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything