I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

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When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”


[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]


There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.


The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.


[first day as a tour guide]

me: most tourists visit madame tussauds but this is cheaper and more realistic

coroner: get out


CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!


Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.


You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.


Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.


*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.