When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.
“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”
I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!
[Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
[first day as a tour guide]
me: most tourists visit madame tussauds but this is cheaper and more realistic
coroner: get out
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.