@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

You Might Also Like

@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”

@HomeWithPeanut

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

@garrettbarry70

There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

@TheMichaelRock

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.

@arcadeseals

[first day as a tour guide]

me: most tourists visit madame tussauds but this is cheaper and more realistic

coroner: get out

@GrumpyBahr

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

@theames

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

@Ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

@Dave_in_SoPo

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

@TYrannosaurus

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.