I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

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God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?


The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.


*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead


Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.


the turkey takes his mask off
it’s edward snowden
obama groans, it’s too late to unpardon him now


When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”


“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.


I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.


Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well