@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

@Reel2Dialog2

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

@TCsSideBitch

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

@nonchalantnacho

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

@sarahjeong

the turkey takes his mask off
it’s edward snowden
obama groans, it’s too late to unpardon him now

@JasonLight73

When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”

@IamEveryDayPpl

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

@jjax44

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

@Amusitr0n

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well