I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!