Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Become ungovernable.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

for all #parents out there

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.