“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Rt to bother an English speaker
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?