Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

peep davidson

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.