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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
⛄️
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast