I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
In case you needed to hear it:
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.