I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err![]()
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
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[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY