Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that