Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.