Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.