Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Coffee for people with no kids

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.