Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven