I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman