Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

the noise i just made

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph