Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

Human are so complicated

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back