Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*