Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool