Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

cats when you pet them too long:

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much