Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

i wonder why they stopped looking

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*