Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

j o i m p

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.