I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
You Might Also Like
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks