I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?