Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Good morning.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.