Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

Fights fire with marshmallows