I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
accurate
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.