I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.