Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Thanks to a fan for this one!

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

🤣

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly