Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Guy who likes music

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.