Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

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To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.