im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
You Might Also Like
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours