Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned