I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
10/10 no notes
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Gods work.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.