Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

john wicks are toilet candles

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*