Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

$3 #books

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.