Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.