Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?