Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Meat Cute

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.