I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.