I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.