I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers