Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Me recordaron éste meme

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?