I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Strangers have the best candy.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months