Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die