Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

What personal space?

My dog

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

I’d hang this in my house.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

New nose

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason