im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
trivia
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.