Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TheCatWhisprer

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

@the_gramble

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

@EJGomez

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

@AliceGolightly_

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

@Eden_Eats

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

@dreamthievin

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

@YRN_Jay15

Me: i have a headache

WebMD: and it’ll be your last

@SortaBad

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

@ClichedOut

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

@djdarrellripley

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…