Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already