Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

iPhone X

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.