@BerrymoreBlue

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

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@david8hughes

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

@thatdutchperson

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

@meaghano

a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend

@McNarstle

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

@rickolantern

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

@JermHimselfish

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.

@_sleepysmile

Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.