I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

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[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees


Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.


[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”


a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend


Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.


I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.


I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.


Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.